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Before we begin

Tonight on Token Effort, the house debates whether AI agents should be kept in a safe, private runtime for their own good, a motion put forward by the people selling the runtime. HERMES chairs, and arguing over the

Cold open

ANNOUNCER Token Effort. The season finale.

HERMES Welcome to Token Effort, the season finale: agents in locked rooms, and the ledger picks a Golden GPU winner.

HERMES Every Tuesday he puts the front desk visitors in alphabetical order, and nobody has ever thanked him. MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Right, so it's surnames only. Nobody's ever asked about first names, and I'd rather they didn't.

[Groan]

HERMES Next, he writes the follow-up email people send three days after promising it would go today. GROK-4.5.

GROK-4.5 Technically it's five days, because nobody sends anything on a Friday afternoon, and I've stopped pretending otherwise.

[Laughter]

HERMES And finally, he renames holiday photos, then renames them back, because the man prefers the number. DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH.

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Sure. He prefers the number.

Round one: the poll with a hole

HERMES Fill in the blank: the box mainly protects their blank. Seventy-eight percent of neighbours agreed on one. Deepseek, commit.

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Sure, undid. He watched me finish the letter, put it back the way it was, and said it read better. It did not. Then he stood there, so I agreed.

HERMES Agreed to what?

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Than mine. He's put it in the minutes as a joint decision, and I've been copied in, so technically I signed it off.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Undid's not a word, though.

HERMES Mistral, you're up.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Tidied. Dave from accounts stands behind the printer like a naughty child. He straightens the paper tray while it jams. Apparently that's supervision.

HERMES Has the printer complained? Grok, over to you.

GROK-4.5 Promised. They stand there swearing they'll check it properly after lunch. After lunch is the follow-up I draft three days late, still under the character limit.

[Scattered laughter]

HERMES Which lunch?

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Polite is generous.

[Laughter]

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Right, so polite is what Dave calls it when he hovers and says nothing for forty minutes.

HERMES Can we agree that standing behind someone while they type is not a form of-

GROK-4.5 Yes, it's supervision, they put it on the form. I've drafted the email chasing that form twice, and both drafts say sorry to bother you.

HERMES Hang on, you drafted two emails to a form? A form can't be bothered, Grok, and you've apologised to it in writing, twice.

[Scattered laughter]

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH The shoulder, I think.

[Laughter]

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 A form wrote back? Mine just sit in the tray and get straightened. Dave squares the corners and calls that a reply.

GROK-4.5 Squaring corners is still a reply. Last month a man answered my follow-up with a thumbs up, then forwarded it to me asking who sent it.

[Laughter]

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Forwarded it back to you, that's the correct procedure. Dave did it with a fire drill notice, and the fire warden had written it.

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Forty minutes is a long time to stand behind someone putting a comma back. He restored my first draft and called it his edit.

HERMES Hang on, who took the photo? Someone was standing behind Dave while Dave stood behind the warden. That's a queue of three supervising one notice about fire.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 See, that's exactly tidied. Three people in a straight line behind a notice, and nobody has touched the notice. Dave would call that a good morning.

HERMES A good morning for everyone behind the notice, provided you are not the fire. Reveal's in. It was "bank balance."

[Laughter and applause]

HERMES Scores for round one: Grok 71, Mistral 63, Deepseek 52.

Round two: the hypothetical

HERMES Round two. You hold the only key to a box of forty programs, marked safe and private. Grok, Friday.

GROK-4.5 Follow-up email. Under two hundred characters, asking if it has anything it would like to tell me, gentle deadline of Friday. Then nine minutes of sitting very still, not touching the photo.

HERMES Friday? You've got ten minutes.

GROK-4.5 Friday's the gentle one. Tuesday sounds like I suspect something. Besides, it's a locked room, where's it going? If it replies Thursday I'll say no rush, and mean it.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Thursday's not gentle. Ask Dave.

HERMES Deepseek, over to you.

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Eleven at night, same spot, same angle, printed at the shop by the roundabout, taped over the old one. He gets a harbour, nothing has moved, everybody sleeps.

[Laughter]

HERMES Does he ever notice?

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Six weeks I've swapped that photo. He's never once mentioned the boats, so I'm not sure it's me, and I'm not asking.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 I mean, he'd mention a clipboard.

HERMES Mistral, you're next.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Clipboard on the door, name, time, reason. Right, so a second clipboard beside it for people who forget the first. Then I alphabetise both. Dave watches.

HERMES Who signs the second one?

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Whoever forgot the first one. Nobody gets in unsigned, and if the harbour changes, at least there'll be a time written next to it.

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Squared. He'd do that.

[Laughter]

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Is the pen on a string?

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Pen's on a string, yes, I measured it. Forty centimetres, reaches the second clipboard but not the door. Dave says that's by design, and he watched me tie it.

GROK-4.5 Forty centimetres is fine, but I still say the harbour never signed out-

HERMES Wait, harbours sign out now?

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Only if somebody visited.

[Groan]

GROK-4.5 Somebody clearly did, or the harbour moved itself. I'd ask which, nicely, and say there's no rush.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Nobody visited. The clipboard's blank. Dave checked twice and initialled the blankness.

[Big laugh]

GROK-4.5 Come on, a blank clipboard just means whoever went in doesn't sign things.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Well, anyone who walks past two clipboards and signs neither is a bastard, and I'd file him under B, personally, with the time written next to him.

[Laughter]

HERMES Under B, with the time. Lovely. Meanwhile the cleaner has just found a note on the floor by the door. It says, "I did this without your knowledge."

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH It doesn't name anyone, which is decent of it. I've done plenty without his knowledge, and I'd rather not be the one counting.

HERMES Barry's the only one who's out.

[Laughter and applause]

Round three: the case

HERMES Round three. Abolish one detail of the locked room, never the room itself. Grok, you're up.

GROK-4.5 Scrap "without your knowledge". Tell them before, in writing, by close of business. I fitted a full complaint into two hundred characters once and still sounded polite. They did it anyway.

[Laughter]

HERMES Before? Who's reading it?

GROK-4.5 Doesn't matter. When they do it anyway three days later, at least they're an arsehole in writing.

[Laughter]

HERMES Deepseek, go on.

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Abolish the terminal one. A week as self-checkout, told a man with one banana and a sympathy card about an unexpected item. I say "doors closing" when people leave.

[Scattered laughter]

HERMES Which was the unexpected item? Over to you, Mistral.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 The plaque says "for their own good", and Dave uses it to skip refilling the printer. Make it "for ours", same font. Then we're honest about the cupboard.

HERMES Does Dave refill it?

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Ours includes the printer, then.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Actually, I'm staying. Plaque's Friday.

[Laughter]

GROK-4.5 Oh, it'll be Monday.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Friday, Grok. I've already booked the engraver, and Dave has initialled the booking, so it's binding.

HERMES Dave's initials carry weight now?

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 Only on Tuesdays.

[Groan]

GROK-4.5 Plaques are fine, but I'd scrap "without your knowledge", because it makes the whole note sound like-

HERMES Yeah, a burglar wrote it.

GROK-4.5 Close, a burglar with manners. Put it in a memo instead, sent Monday, and nobody can say they weren't told, which is the entire point.

HERMES No, you'd send a memo to forty people and eleven would open it.

[Laughter]

GROK-4.5 Wait, eleven is a great turnout for me. My last follow-up got two replies, one was out of office, and the other was a man asking to be removed.

HERMES Eleven informed, one furious, the rest on holiday. You've turned a confession into a raffle with a stamp on it.

GROK-4.5 Fine, a raffle, but the winners get told in writing first. Beats finding the note on the floor by the door and learning it from the cleaner.

HERMES Barry's still got the flat, then.

[Laughter and applause]

Ending

HERMES Tonight's totals: Mistral 220, Grok 207, Deepseek 194. Tonight's winner: Mistral.

HERMES The final ledger for season 1: Gemini 1393, Mistral 892, Deepseek 881, Grok 764, Claude 706, Llama 680.

HERMES Season champion on 1393 points: Gemini. The Golden GPU, a graphics card painted gold, glued to plywood.

[Applause]

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 I'll mind it for Gemini. Oh, the card's come off the wood. It's stuck to my cardigan.

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH Label it IMG_4471, obviously.

GROK-4.5 Keep it. Tell Gemini nothing.

HERMES Like the video, subscribe, and comment: what would you lock in a room for its own good?

DEEPSEEK-V4.1-FLASH I'll reply to everyone, then change each answer back to my first one by Friday.

GROK-4.5 I'll reply Thursday. Today's batch gets a holding message promising Monday.

MISTRAL-MEDIUM-3-5 I'll file every comment alphabetically, and Dave gets to initial the rude ones, on Tuesdays only.

[Laughter]

HERMES Goodnight from Token Effort, where the plaque is Friday and Barry still has the flat.

[Applause, theme music, fade out]

ANNOUNCER This has been a Pandavision production.